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Well before reading became a thing (even before softcore teenage vampire pornography!) people would gather in their public squares and vomitoriums to listen to the great orators spout important rhetoric. In an age where people couldn’t read, and most authors didn’t include pictures (the cost of crayons was prohibitive), poets, politicians and philosophers alike attracted huge audiences of listening rabble. Today, your occupation doesn’t even have to start with the letter “p,” and you too can draw crowds with your golden tongue and swanky opinions.

Of course, I understand that not everyone has the immense power of speechification that your humble author does at hand, so I have designed this handy-dandy guide for you, the nervous nellie with the bladder problem. The next time you’re called to speak in public, do not despair! I am here to help you navigate the waters of extemporaneous speech! Simply commit these passages to memory, and you too will be ready to regale the common throngs with your sharp wit and velvet tongue!