Gerbil Probe: The Media Empire of Michael Allen Rose

(The following is a transcript from the third Party Wolf Book Club meetup at the home of Michael Allen Rose in Chicago, IL - Saturday February 4th.)

Michael: Hello everyone! We have a doozy this week. We're discussing Vince Kramer's Gigantic Death Worm.

Rex: I loved this book! Bears that spit wolves at dumbass humans! Arms getting torn off! Boobs getting chewed on! Beer! Violence and drinking and destruction! This is literature!

Sophie: Rex has been going on and on about it all week.

Rex: The speed! The violence! First, they're all like "Hey, we're douchebags, and we're high and I'm watching my girlfriend give a fat guy a blow-job--

Smitty: I loved that part. Made me hump the couch like, three times.

Rex: Then all the sudden there's cheeseburgers coming out of nowhere, and these bears that spit wolves show up and are totally eating these assholes and there's a crazy stand-off and a fight, and then rampaging monster parasites from hell start tearing everything apart. This is awesome!

Sophie: Gigantic Death Worm was really fun to read. The way Vince writes reminded me of a kid telling you the craziest story he could think of using all his action figures, complete with crazy moments of violence exploding off the page and then the inevitable topping himself with an "and then." You can tell that he had a ton of fun writing this book, and the fun is infectious.

Cooter: Man, I was laughing out loud at some of the crazy lines Vince Kramer used in this story. How can you top a book that opens with the line "So, how are the brain parasites doing?" Vince actually uses the line "Then the bear ate his face off, and he died from it." Not only is that startlingly accurate, but it's freakin' hilarious. And how about that narrator voice, dude?

Smitty: There's a lot of lines about the size of guys' dicks in this book. I appreciate that. It's an important issue that I think a lot of authors overlook.

(At this point, Smitty starts licking his balls furiously. We pause the discussion briefly while I retrieve a tarp to put under him. My furniture budget is completely broken since starting this book club. When I come back, the Party Wolves are discussing frantically, several conversations going on at once.)

Sophie: ...they were some of my favorite characters, for sure. His name alone, being Ponce De Leon II: The Revenge had me rolling.

Rex: And then the zoo explodes! Did you see? Lions jumping up in the air catching deer mid-air? That's alpha predator shit!

Herb "The Herb": Giant. Fuckin'. Death. Worm. (Herb goes into a giggling fit)

Michael: Okay, guys, let's get back on track. Guys?

Cooter: Chapter ten! He narrated the shit out of it! Vince Kramer is insane, dude! Ha!

Rex: Then you're like, oh, I guess everything's fine... then this awesome death worm comes out of nowhere and kills everyone! Death everywhere! Just up and kills 'em!

Cooter: In the face, the way Vince tells it.

Rex: Yeah! Blood! Teeth! Smashing! Right in the face!

Michael: Guys?

Herb "The Herb": Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!

Smitty: He pees on her boobs! Haw haw!

Michael: Sophie, help?

Sophie: They're excited about reading. What can I say?

Cooter: I got worms once from eating bad pork. Vince really nailed that part, I think. Like, the way he writes about it, that's pretty much what happens. One time, me and Herb went to Mexico to procure some party snacks, if you get my drift...

Herb "The Herb": Party.

Rex: Oh my God, and I don't want to ruin the surprise, but holy crap, the scene where the professor is teaching rocket science to the special dudes, and then... holy crap! It's so awesome! Hahaha!

Michael: Obviously everyone had a really good time with this one. Final thoughts? What did you get out of Gigantic Death Worm?

Cooter: When in Mexico, don't eat at shady taco stands. Especially pork.

Smitty: If you're ever stuck and going to freeze to death, you can totally get a chick to let you piss on her boobs!

Rex: Don't mess with the alpha predator in your environment, bitches! Yeah!

Sophie: I guess for me, the take-away from this book was pure enjoyment. It's not dense and literary, and it's certainly not pretentious, it's just crazy, insane fun. It speeds along like a song by the Locust, with everything being thrown at you like, a hundred miles a second.

Herb "The Herb": Dada mashed up with action figures to a speed metal soundtrack.

Michael: Wow, Herb. That's actually pretty insightful.

Herb "The Herb": Party. (Takes a huge pull of his joint)

Michael: Cool. Everyone, check out Vince Kramer's insane debut! It's one hell of a book, and will send your head racing and your side aching with laughter. I guarantee, you won't know what's coming next. This is one of the most unpredictable books I've ever read. See you next week for another New Bizarro Author Series book!

Rex: Ooh! And then Suzanne's mother shows up with a chainsaw! And it's all like BZZZZZ! Here, let me show you with Smitty. So like, she comes up behind--

Smitty: Get away from me, dick!

Rex: Shut up and hold still, runt!

Michael: Guys! Look out for the laptop! It's rec--

(The Party Wolves Book Club meets once a week or so to discuss books in Eraserhead Press New Bizarro Author Series. The Party Wolves are featured in the book Party Wolves in My Skull by Michael Allen Rose)

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